


All the things I couldn’t say, all the things you couldn’t hear

by KoibitoDream



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Brotp, M/M, OTP(s), Tsukishima tried to back out on the captain position responsibilities, TsukkiKage BROTP cuz I shiP that brOTP like nothing else, ended up as the co-captain, ended up in three, game up to third year, it was supposed to be in two parts, third years that's right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4876996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoibitoDream/pseuds/KoibitoDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi Tadashi is not sure his new-found view of things is a good thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When I look at you, what will I see?

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy and lemme know what you think, if you will. Part 2 will come tomorrow.

Yamaguchi Tadashi had a problem. Not just any mundane problems third years had – entrance exams were literally a year away and the volleyball club was astoundingly easy to deal with (he had no idea what exactly did their sempai’s complain about back then, honestly), but maybe it had something (a lot) to do with Kageyama magically morphing from a nerd (his own words) obsessed with volleyball to a...well...true king of the court (no more bad feelings when it gets mentioned)...like, Yamaguchi didn’t even know what happened. (But he was still obsessed with volleyball, still a dork when nothing of greater importance happened, to Yamaguchi’s relief and pretty much everyone else’s.)

 

It was actually funny, now that the thought about it. They should have seen it coming. He came to Karasuno with that potential deep in his soul and the years spent here only brought the best of it out. And then, it was this matter with Tsukki. Both Tsukki and Kageyama still had this sort of but not really get-out-of-my-face-you-ass-look-who’s-taking thing going on, but not once did they actually team up against some random dudes who had the audacity to talk shit about Hinata and Yamaguchi. (The dudes were drunk, to their defense, but explain that to Tsukki and Kageyama, both on equal ground when it came to things like that, what a surprise.)

 

Hence why when a new captain and co-captain had to be elected, guess who got the titles. Yes, Kageyama and Tsukki, although Tsukki tried to pass the extra work and was the first to nominate Kageyama as captain, but Noya-sempai and Tanaka-sempai weren’t just going to pass up the chance of messing with him one last time while in Karasuno and he got stuck with co-captain. (Unofficially, the team had two captains and Yamaguchi and Hinata were the unofficial co-captains.)

 

The parting with their sempai’s, starting with Suga, Daichi and Asahi wasn’t so dramatic, since Daichi and Suga came around every so often, like doting and rightfully worried parents and they would just drag Asahi along, no matter how much he protested. Noya and Tanaka swore they wouldn’t be like that, but the We-attended-every-single-game award goes to them without even asking.

 

So what was this problem that kept Yamaguchi awake at night?

 

Ah, yes.

 

Tsukishima Kei.

 

It’s normal when someone compliments you (even though they don’t do that for anyone else) and it’s normal to feel happy for that compliment, right? Yes.

 

It’s normal when you pay close attention when someone talks to you and to look away when they put on a smirk, thinking you may have been paying too close attention to it. It could happen between long term friends, right? Of course, why bother asking even.

 

It’s normal even if you end up having, maybe, a tiny harmless crush on them, because, you’re close and they are there for you a lot of times and well it just happened, right? Maybe.

 

Wishing they would pay as close attention to you as you catch yourself doing; far too often than you think it’s acceptable?

 

Imagining the way those lips form a smile, a smirk, a pout, a scowl and how would they fit yours?

 

Thinking of those hands, skilfully handling the ball in the game, knowing just what to do, doing unimaginable things to you instead?

 

Waking up, feeling feverish and weak all over from a dream where you felt his presence as clear as you could when on the court and he’s into the game like no one else?

 

(It was in the middle of the class when Yamaguchi felt like crying over such thoughts. Tsukki, waiting for a response, turned in his seat when the teacher wasn’t looking and was sitting upright, facing the board, shoulders square so to shield Yamaguchi from the teacher’s view in a second.

 

No one spoke of this afterwards.)

 

The next few days, Yamaguchi spent doing things automatically at trainings, trying to shut himself out because if he didn’t, Tsukki’s voice would induce images and those images made him want to bathe himself in cold holy water. Yamaguchi didn’t dare think about any possibility existing that Tsukki would even remotely be plagued by these kinds of thoughts, because if he did, he had a feeling he would fall into a bottomless pit.

 

(If Tsukki ever noticed the weird behaviour, he certainly didn’t show it and Yamaguchi was somewhat relieved. As anyone, for that matter.)

 

The avoidance strategy backfired, eventually, _obviously_ , because he underestimated Tsukki. For the first time in his life, he _underestimated_ Tsukishima Kei when it concerned _them_ , as friends, and teammates.

 

“What’s wrong?” Tsukki asked one day, after training, after he glared the first years out of the locker room they were about to get in order.

 

Yamaguchi was about to brush it off, like he had grown accustomed to the past few days, but the words died before he could begin to speak as he looked, really looked, at Tsukki for the first time in days.

 

There was rage smouldering clear and intense in those golden eyes directed at Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi alone. No, not rage, not entirely (clearly there was also that, but...)

 

The emotions clashing behind those glasses were raw and intense, whatever they were and Yamaguchi Tadashi felt himself bound by that look, unable to move, to think, to _breathe even..._

 

And then something else flashed across those heavenly eyes and the intensity died down, kind of when the bonfire dies down and you get just that cold feeling when the heat disappears, wrapping around you like a damp blanked.

 

Again, before Yamaguchi could will himself to react, Tsukishima Kei was cold and not there, but out the door leaving it swing behind him, out of his sight in a few quick steps.

“Damn it, Tsukishima, watch where you’re going, I don’t care how blind you are!” Kageyama shouted behind him, irritated, but not really. Hinata jumped out of the way, without any comments, just glad he avoided a direct collision with a clearly upset Tsukishima and whatever the cause for his bitch mode to go on, he was glad he wasn’t the cause of it.

 

“The hell happened here?” The ball of sunshine quickly turned his attention to Kageyama and the genuine concern and surprise on his features and his voice.

 

“Did you have a fight with that asshole?” Kageyama asked him. The words had no bite in them, no matter how harsh they could sound, it was just their thing, but Yamaguchi simply had enough. He was tired of hiding, running, supressing everything when it couldn’t be supressed anymore. To think _he_ was the cause of Tsukishima getting angry and storming off without a word broke down his last defences.

 

“Kageyama, why don’t you get him some water or something. Please?” Hinata asked quietly. Sure, Kageyama had made great progress, astronomical even, in dealing with people, but handling someone crying other that Hinata was still a bit much for him so he just obliged and took his time to get to the vending machine, trusting Hinata would do something about this.

 

Universe would have it that he came across the source of Yamaguchi’s troubles, whatever they were, although even he had a clue (maybe), sitting on the stairs in front of the gym in the semi-dark, not looking to well either. Pissed beyond belief, yes, but definitely _not crying_ , so Kageyama decided to push his luck and Tsukishima’s patience.

 

“Go away, King.” He said, not exactly politely (when was he ever, really?) but not really to be taken seriously either. Over the three years, Kageyama learned to deal with him like he did with him and no matter how unwilling; they would help each other out. It was just the way things ran these days.

 

“If I’m the King, asshole, what obligations have I to listen to you?” He replied, coolly, mildly concerned about him, too, because something awful must have happened for Tsukishima to go easy on him, out of everyone.

 

When Tsukishima didn’t bother to reply, it just confirmed his suspicions. He said nothing else, though, just sat next to him in silence, just to try and coax a response from him.

 

“Is there any reason for you to be here, King?” Ah, there it is. The sign of recovery. Good.

 

“You fought with Yamaguchi, of all people.”

 

“We didn’t fight.”

 

“He didn’t look that way.”

 

“The hell would you care?”

 

“The hell would I tell you that?”

 

“Why the fuck am I talking to you about this?!”

 

“The heck am I even here listening to you?!”

 

They both managed to get annoyed not a minute into the – conversation?? – whole thing. Then they both snorted. The hell?

 

“He’s been avoiding me.” A silent agreement passed that they both shall never mention this ever again and erase it from their minds as soon as it was over, like all those conversation things that never happened.

 

“Noted.” Kageyama said. So it wasn’t just him seeing things, it was really happening. “Any ideas why?”

 

“No.” He said, half irritated and half something else Kageyama couldn’t quite identify.

 

“Whatever it is, you’ll get over it.” He then said, as he got up to get that water bottle. Hinata had probably things under control by now.

 

“Fighting is more Hinata and I. It’s weird when you don’t get along.”

 

_Who died and made you-oh. Never mind._

 

“Just get the hell out of here.” Tsukishima sighed, less annoyed, but still. The bespectacled youth almost laughed at the whole situation. Not in a million lifetimes had he ever imagined he would be having this kind of conversation with the King. But he was okay with it. He wouldn’t think about it anymore than Tsukishima would once they said what they needed to say.

 

But still. Yamaguchi refused to talk to him or to look at him and when he finally did, he looked like he was about to fall apart. He didn’t want to admit it, but it hurt. It fucking hurt knowing Yamaguchi wouldn’t speak to him for whatever reasons.

Then it hit him. Like a brick. The reason Yamaguchi couldn’t talk to him.

 

He couldn't think of anything else that would explain everything weird going on with Yamaguchi. It just _had_ to be it.

He leaned back against the gym doors and promptly banged the back of his head against it. Relief and anger washed over him at the same time. Relief because there was nothing seriously wrong with Yamaguchi (from a medical point of view, that is) and anger because he tried to hide it from him and almost fell into pieces because of it.

 

_Really, Yamaguchi, did their stupidity rub off on you over the years?_

 

Trying to confront him was a bad idea, ending up in a disaster, which was proven not fifteen minutes ago. This would require a different approach or better yet, none at all. Acting like there was nothing wrong would perhaps be best for now.

 

This time he did laugh. Dry and mirthless, tired. He never thought he’d see the days when he would be the one trying to figure out how to get past walls _Yamaguchi_ built. How did things get to this?


	2. The same thing you always do, when you look at me

Yamaguchi woke up the next day feeling spent, as if he spent the whole night running around Sendai just for the hell of it. He left yesterday after calming down, taking the advice of those two oddballs, and taking time to think about things. They didn’t pry, thankfully, and he felt a tiny bit better. His eyes felt puffy and as if made of salted cotton and his body out of lead. He thanked whatever gods were up in heaven it was Sunday, blessed school and volleyball training free Sunday.

 

It was oddly quiet in his house, he thought, but then remembered his folks told him they would be away until Monday afternoon. That took care of explaining or trying to dodge the question as to why he looked like hell spat him out. He silently thanked whomever it was that invented hot showers as he took his time in the bath. It helped him take of the misery look off his skin and a bit off his mind. He got out of the bath with a towel around his neck, clad in crisp clean cotton, contemplating about what to do next.

 

Thinking about Tsukki now would be counterproductive, so let’s not go there. Maybe homework? Nope, no homework left. He was so distressed he actually finished every single one during the week. (When did he even manage it?)

 

Half an hour into doing nothing and having no one to distract him lead to thinking about what he wanted to avoid thinking about. Just his luck.

 

But it was a good opportunity. He shouldn’t waste his time avoiding thinking about the pressing issue when he actually had the time to try and solve it.

 

What was the worst thing that could happen?

 

He shoved the image of Tsukki walking away from him with a disgusted look on his face and that of a clear blank face right away, heavily hoping that all these year of friendship would count for something, right? Right.

 

 _Calm down, Tadashi_ , he told himself when panic threatened to wash over him, taking deep breaths. No, really. What _was_ the worst thing Tsukki could do?

 

He could say "no".

 

Yamaguchi thought about that for a while. That could happen. He could say no, and maybe he could just laugh it off and get on with his life like he always did. He overheard a girl say so one day, purely by accident, talking to her friend. She got rejected, but confessing was way better than bottling it all up. He wished he had that kind of guts.

 

But there was also that other, infinitely smaller, chance of him...feeling the... _same?_

 

Heat rushed to his face and he radiated it for a good while, no matter how many times he washed his face. He stopped doing it, because he could only ruin his skin like that and it wasn’t really helping.

 

_Pull yourself together, Yamaguchi, you’re freaking 17! If there was an additional reason for him to reject you, this behaviour would be it._

 

Maybe he could daydream about that second possibility. Just a little? Before he gets the final verdict? Should he? Wouldn’t that only make things worse? He would...stop later?

 

So many questions... Was this supposed to be this difficult? Or was it difficult because he didn’t want to ruin what he had with Tsukki over his own selfish desires in case everything goes up in flames?

 

(It was a bit late for that, though, seeing how he was burning up at the mere thought of Tsukki.)

 

And then guilt pooled around him, coaxing new tears out so easily, Yamaguchi couldn’t believe himself.

 

_Why had everything turned out to be such a mess?_

 

Monday came and he got up not a bit more enlightened than he was yesterday. He managed to forget lunch due to his brainstorming marathon still going on and his wallet and he almost went to school in his slippers. But he deemed himself just peachy. Ready to tackle the day and whatever came along with it. Math test? No biggie. Pop quiz in literature? Bring it on. Burn the ceiling of the chemistry lab while trying to focus? He’s all for it.

 

Confronting Tsukishima Kei, standing in an empty locker room, at the end of the day, staring at him with that unwavering gaze? Not so much.

 

He completely forgot that they hadn’t any training this Monday, which was both a blessing and a curse. Although, it turned into a curse more and more, seeing how they both just stood there, with no other excuses for leaving or being busy, except going home. If he used _that_ one, that would be the equivalent of hitting Tsukishima with a shoe square in the face and running away like a sissy. (He would have laughed at his own imagination were not the fact that his stomach started acting up from all the stress.) 

 

“Hey...” He greeted weakly, as if he suffered from high fever and had to preform a perfect serve against all rival schools combined with the ball glued to his hand (which, honestly, wasn’t that far from the truth at this point.)

 

Tsukishima said nothing; just blinked slowly in his own standard greeting form, but that stern gaze hadn’t once left him.

 

“Uhm...”

_Talk about awkward._

 

“If you want me to stay away, just say so.” Tsukishima spoke, breaking the dreadful silence. He wasn’t angry, just... _cold_. He turned to leave the locker room and head home, the weekend was long and this day even longer.

 

“I don’t want that.” Yamaguchi said before his brain even got to process the words.

 

Tsukishima sighed heavily, as he turned to him, again.

“Then what _do_ you want?” He asked, a bit more emotion in his voice. Irritation, at best, but better than nothing.

 

“Do you want to avoid me but not me avoiding you?”

 

Kind of, yeah. He hit that nail right on the head. But somehow...

 

“I don’t want that either.”

 

A few minutes passed in silence, with Tsukishima just standing there, turned towards Yamaguchi who took up a sudden interest in the floor.

 

 _This was getting nowhere_ , they both thought.

 

“Let me know when you figure it out.” Tsukishima broke the silence again, this time half way through the door when Yamaguchi finally decided the floor wasn’t worth letting Tsukki leave and this purgatory thing get overtime. It was bad enough as it was.

 

“ _Wait._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I lied. It's gonna be 3 chapters. Maybe.


	3. A friend, a bother, perhaps even a lover

“ _Can you really not tell me what’s bothering you so much, Tadashi?_ ” Kei whispered quietly, feeling the desperation Tadashi felt, conveyed in the force with which he held his wrist, keeping him in place. He was surprised, to say the least. He never imagined Tadashi _possessing_ such strength, let alone extracting on him. It was oddly satisfying, the thought of Tadashi displaying such strength to keep him there. Not letting him go anywhere. (It was far from bruising, but the heat of his hand and the tight hold was just...beyond description.)

 

No, not _just_ satisfying... He _liked_ it. He liked the fact that Tadashi had gone out of his way, around that wall he built between them, to keep him there, even if it meant by force.

 

 _Down, Kei,_ he had to tell himself, _we’re still not there yet._

 

He felt that hand tightening just a bit more, but Tadashi couldn’t hide the trembling. He couldn’t stop the chocked sob from escaping, no matter how he tried. He wasn’t Kei. He wasn’t good with hiding emotions. His vision blurred with tears that refused to stay back. Though, Kei knew, Tadashi would risk a headache at this point, at any point, if he thought his thoughts were to go against Kei’s wishes.

 

_A silly little thing, Tadashi was._

 

Kei knew he wasn’t being exactly fair here. He had an idea what plagued him, like he always did. This matter, however, wasn’t something he could easily dismiss as Tadashi’s whims. (Not that he had any, to be honest here. Kei sometimes wished he did.)

 

He could say “no”.

 

He considered saying no, but that somehow didn’t feel right, when it first occurred to him that evening by the gym, after that self-inflicted sore spot on the back of his head started hurting. Admittedly, not his best idea. (Not that anyone was around to witness it, anyway.)

 

He was being a little shit, he knew. In fact; for this, if it were someone else, Kei would have probably ripped their head off for doing it to Tadashi. He was an idiot. He let Tadashi get hurt. He had no excuse for this behaviour. (Though, he might have wanted to see if Tadashi would say anything...and it was cruel.) He was cruel. To Tadashi. To the one person who put up with his whims and looked up to him. The one person who was always there, no matter what. The one person who ever yelled at him, for his own good. The one person he would never mind having beside him, whether as a friend or whatever else. (He found out he couldn’t care less, as long as it was Tadashi – bonus points to Tadashi for that.)

 

Yep, he was really an ass. That wasn’t exactly a headline here. However; being an ass, to the wrong person, as he found out, wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

 

But Tadashi wasn’t the type to think about himself, not even now, when he was _this_ close to fall apart. He wasn’t the type to get angry at Kei for something like that. (Him suffering a headache while trying to hold back his tears and feeling guilty, no doubt, was proof enough.)

 

And that, in turn, made Kei’s blood boil. He didn’t want Tadashi to fall apart over things like this. They were friends long enough, _he knew Kei long enough_ , and that pissed him off to no end.

 

 _For the love of God, Tadashi, please._ Please, _stop torturing yourself and say something._

 

“Tadashi-”

 

“I _can’t-_ ” His voice broke, along with Kei’s heart at the desperation drowning him. Kei clamped his mouth shut, determined to have Tadashi speak his mind, _for once_ , for himself. He was right there if Tadashi needed his support, but this time, he would see to it that he does it himself. Like how he did with that spike. Like how he did when he grabbed his shirt by the front and yelled right in his face. He could do it. He had the strength. He could feel it in his wrist.

 

“ _I can’t tell you this, Kei,_ ” Kei stopped breathing at this point, eyes no doubt wide, “ _because this isn’t right._ ”

 

He was crying, this hurt him more than anything before, but it would hurt even more later.

 

“ _What isn’t right?_ ” If he had to be the devil, so be it.

 

“ _This isn’t right!_ ” He choked on his own words, it was painful, but it _had to be done_. There was no other way; Tadashi would never again leave an opening like this. He was surprisingly difficult in this aspect.

 

“ _I shouldn’t feel like this!_ ”

 

_There is nothing wrong with you feeling like this._

 

“ _I shouldn’t want this!_ ”

 

_There is nothing wrong with you wanting this._

 

“ _I shouldn’t love you in this way!_ ”

 

His legs gave out, he couldn’t take it anymore. They ended up on the floor, Tadashi crying his soul out, holding Kei’s shirt for dear life, screaming into his shoulder. It was cruel. But it had to be done.

 

“ _There is nothing wrong with that, Tadashi._ ”

 

It was cruel. But it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy B-Day, Tsukishima Kei, from yours truly, the demon supreme. (I didn't think I would have this finished today at all.)


End file.
